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[personal profile] kaizykat
 I was trying to figure out where to start, but I figure I better start from the beginning. Please excuse me if I'm less eloquent than I usually am; the sleeping pills are starting to take effects. Ah, the luxury of being drowsy!

So far, 2012 has sucked pretty badly. I went back to school in January (has it been that long?) and found my room turned completely upside down by my new roommate. I freaked out. It only got worse from there.

By the time I withdrew for the quarter, three weeks later, I was a mess. I had been missing classes, missing sleep, and missing my sanity. I had also developed stomach ulcers and anemia. My roommate successfully forced me out of the room. I got a bit of revenge, though; I unplugged her fridge as we were clearing out my room and her food spoiled. She deserved it.

The next few months were a downward spiral. I lost about sixty pounds (don't worry, I was overweight and could afford to lose that much) from not eating much of anything. It got to the point where I had stopped feeling hungry anymore. My hair started to fall out and I got dizzy when I stood up.

I was consumed by my OCD. I was so afraid of vomiting that I didn't want to eat anything. I second guessed myself and labeled food with the date that I had bought it on. At my worst, I was eating maybe two bowls of Cheerios a day.

I reached my lowest point early last month, and then my family went on vacation. I think that it was the best thing that could have happened. While on vacation, I felt the most normal I had in months. I was able to eat again; real food. Granted, I was pretty drugged up on Xanax, but still.

After the vacation, my life pretty much got back to normal. I was still terrified of everything, but it wasn't as bad because I was eating (lack of food makes you seem almost bi-polar). I managed to just squeak by with the grades in my online classes. I was making progress.

Today I got the news that my best friend's mother died. I can't say that I was shocked. Her mother had been battling stomach cancer for a number of years and had been in the hospital for the last few weeks. Wherever she is now, she's probably more at peace than she had been sick and in pain.

Yet, somehow, the thing that has got me the most upset is the fact that my best friend didn't call me, but instead called my father. Okay, so I don't answer my phone a lot. I would have taken the call. 

And then, she went over to another friend's house to be comforted. 

I'm not mad at her, but I'm kind of afraid that I'm losing her. She's been my best friend since I was five. We can talk about anything together. We've shared the ups and downs of each other's lives. 

Although, she probably didn't intend to come off that way. I wonder if she was worried about scaring me or making me upset? God knows she knows how emotional I get!

I don't mean to come off like my world is crashing down around me or anything like that. It's just these last few months have been trying, and I don't know what's ahead. I'm stable now and I'm working towards getting better. It's just kind of hard for me to take one day at a time sometimes!

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kaizykat

June 2012

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